When Healing Spaces Hurt: The Masks of Spiritual & Commercialized Wellness

Splitting, Seeking, and the Shadow of Spiritual Spaces

I recently found myself on the receiving end of something I later learned is called splitting—a defense mechanism that protects a person from overwhelming emotion or triggered wounds. It allows someone to think in black-and-white terms, leading to rapid shifts in behavior and perception. This coping mechanism helps a person manage overwhelming emotion by dividing people or experiences into absolute categories: heroes or villains, safe or unsafe. It’s unconscious and driven by the need to feel safe and certain when they feel unstable and chaotic inside.

For the person on the receiving end, this instability can feel confusing and disorienting. The person doing the splitting divides others and situations into extremes, unable to hold nuance or complexity. It creates an illusory sense of safety—protection from inner experiences that feel too frightening or chaotic to face.

Splitting is an unconscious way of managing difficult emotions or redirecting blame. Strong, irrational opinions form that label people, places, or experiences as entirely good or entirely bad. This leads to emotional swings and strained relationships. If we reframe something as unimportant, it dulls the pain being triggered—and that’s the unconscious aim.

In relationships, splitting might look like becoming someone’s “favorite person” for a while, only to be abruptly discarded when a wound resurfaces or they begin to feel threatened. To manage that anxiety, they unconsciously distort reality.

And while we know mental instabilities exist across our entire world, I’ve really been reflecting recently on how these behaviors get caught up within commercialized wellness and spiritual communities.

If you think about it, so many people who are drawn to spiritual communities are because they’re seeking. 

And I get it, it’s what drew me at first. But on the other side of seeking, is suffering. A universal human experience. To suffer. The buddhists say, life is suffering. It’s about creating as much compassion within that suffering. 

And so what to we do with our suffering? 

With our pain, with the inherent challenge of being human?

We know that many people hurt others, they project their pain, they create harm in direct and indirect ways. We know what this looks like in its most blatant and violent forms.

But there is harm that is created in more disguised ways. 

And these are the ways I see masquerading around in commercialized spiritual wellness spaces. 

Now, I do want to name that just like I’ve done in the midst of my suffering, to turn towards spaces that espouse healing, inclusivity, and care is a beautiful thing. 

To want to soften the wounds of the heart, and bruises of the spirit, by gathering with others of like-mind, is a beautiful and intuitive attempt, and many times, it’s so helpful. 

I have gathered with so many beautiful people over the years who have help me lay my burdens down. 

And it’s a much more noble path than creating direct harm with our unmetabolized pain. 

But what about when the concepts held within these communities get weaponized? 

What about when someone isn’t well and therefore, they poison the well? Distorted thinking becomes shared narratives.

As beautiful as the attempts are to be in a healing space, oftentimes what can happen is that those stepping into leadership positions have a lot of healing still to do, and can bring all their distortions with them. 

There is therefore a persona that is created, an identity that one might even convince themselves of, but it’s congruent with the interior world. 

We may not see this at first, some may never see it at all, but where there is intimacy, vulnerability, wounds are bound to arise. 

And there is nothing right or wrong, good or bad about wounds. They just simply are. We all have them. 

It’s about how our wounds are expressed. 

And in the case of ‘splitting’, the wounds are too intense for one to hold, so they flip that switch in order to protect themselves. This naturally creates distress around them, but it keeps them feeling in control, and safe. 

Sadly, masks end up being worn in order to preserve one’s image, one’s reputation. 

Warmth becomes something one sells, a brand. 

Not true treatment of those who matter. 

And in that way, I have concern for what I see developing in these spaces. 

For through the lens of discernment and boundaries, cliques and elitism further develop. 

The ego burrows more deeply into beliefs of spiritual superiority, convincing itself it’s real. 

This is a trap. 

And kind people get convinced that it’s true, when it’s not. 

Any place or person that cuts you off without conversation, or poisons the well around you, is not well.

So hold that with fierce knowing, and compassion for yourself. 

And with clear seeing for what you engage yourself in. 

Find the grounded people. 

Find the steady people. 

If it feels like a clique, or reminiscent of middle school in any way, it’s not for you. 

Find the people who mold clay with the earth, who know how to lean in, who model consistency, and if you find yourself on the receiving end of someone’s sudden shift, consider yourself freed. 

Freed from unhealthy environments. 

Freed from places that aren’t your future. 

Freed from personas that don’t have your best interest at heart. 

Freed from spaces that brand warmth but don’t embody it. 

Freed from places that aren’t deserving of your devotion or your loyalty.